Opposed Sortie
columnist: Random Outlier

Topic: Libertarianism
Truck Nutz and the Libertarians

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How is a man supposed to write deadly serious political commentary from a prone position, engulfed in giggles?

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by Random Outlier
(libertarian)
Tuesday, April 29, 2008

I swear by all I hold dear that at least once a week I try to write something serious about the world political scene and the cause of liberty.

My Nolan Chart box proves as much with three or four verbosely profound efforts languishing in an unpublished state, recently written with every intent to edit them down to a minimal clarity and impose them on a world aquiver with lust for my latest opinion on the need to resurrect the Polish zloty.

The "news" keeps screwing me up. Sometimes it simply distracts. Sometimes it excites my nervous system to the point of oral explosion, coffee on the keyboard, a portion of my grilled cheese sandwich obscuring the screen.

Whatever, these daily items from the media  almost always draw my concentration way from important things like my pending monograph contrasting the authoritarianism of Hobbes with the libertine excesses of de Sade -- with consideration of the most recent research on the topic by Sen. Barrack Obama's press secretary.

And so a new leaf must be turned, and I am resolved to begin by never, ever, again reading a story with a Florida dateline.

If it isn't hanging chad it's hanging testicles.

A Florida lawmaker by the name of  Sen. Cary Baker finds them offensive.

They certainly are. I shudder to think how badly a pair of fake bull balls hanging from the trailer hitch  would spoil the lines of my 1989 F150. 

Senator Baker, not surprisingly a Republican, proposes to sack such scrotal offenders with a $60 fine for displaying the novelty which Reuters  describes as resembling "the south end of a bull moving north," illustrating again that the world's great wire services are second to none in clever phrase-making.

One brand of the hanging ersatz organs is called  "Truck Nutz."  Cute enough for Bubba, but I wish a Truck Nutz competitor would cater to us political sophisticates with "A Bull Named Chad."

Anyway, the dangling scrotals apparently are popular item among  a certain rustic set, and for verification we return to the legislative floor in Tallahassee.

"Critics of the ban included the Senate Rules Chairman, Sen. Jim King, a Jacksonville Republican whose truck sported a pair until his wife protested,"  reports Reuters.

Quite a libertarian, that Senator King, assuming the castration of his ride  is something other than the craven act of  a Casper Milquetoast,  terrified of his wife's displeasure. 

But at least he is  arguing freedom of expression, and one must honor him for that  by squelching every unkind impulse to engage in coarse humor at his expense. It is just too easy to get hung up on such things.

Let the cruel jest remain undescended. Make no crude suggestion that Mrs. King used comparative phrasing in banning the superfluous family jewels. 

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So how does a serious libertarian commentator approach such a hairy issue?

It beats the hell out of me.  For so long as tastelessness remains both fashionable  and profitable, entrepreneurs will cater to the cheap giggle and award manufacturing contracts to the low bidder sweatshop.

And legislatures across the land will have a ball in spending time and the public  treasure in pursuit of headlines proclaiming their personal purity.  

I see no solution amenable to wide implementation, hence my reaction must be strictly individualistic.

I will not, repeat not, hang Truck Nutz from my trailer hitch. This will amply demonstrate  my devotion to the wholesome, just in case I decide to move to Florida and seek public office.

And, incidentally, negate a certain foreseeable peril. Having cruised the strip on a warm Saturday evening,   and having gotten lucky, I would just hate it if on Tuesday morning the post office delivered a civil summons requiring me to to answer for false advertising.

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©2008 Random Outlier, all rights reserved. You must have written permission from the author in order to republish this work.
Published: Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Last modified: Thursday, May 15, 2008

The views expressed in this article are those of Random Outlier only and do not represent the views of Nolan Chart, LLC or its affiliates. Random Outlier is solely responsible for the contents of this article and is not an employee or otherwise affiliated with Nolan Chart, LLC in his/her role as a columnist.

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