Topic: Divorce & Child Custody Issues
False Child Sex Abuse Allegations - Lesson 3 The fear, shame and uncertainty felt by these falsely accused men cannot be put into words. No man can adequately describe his feelings, which adds to his position of isolation. He craves empathy and support, but a man accused of molesting a child will receive neither.by Jake Morphonios
(conservative libertarian)
Monday, March 24, 2008
Lesson # 3: How it Feels to Be Falsely Accused of Molesting Your Own Child.
A divorcing wife that falsely accuses her husband of sexually molesting their child is committing an evil act of supernal vindictiveness. In making this assertion, it should in no way be construed that this author is anti-mother, anti-woman or believes that the issue of false allegations is unique to one gender. Indeed, false abuse allegations may be levied by either party. However, the use of the specific tactic herein discussed is typically made by divorcing woemen against their ex-husbands. Needless to say, any false allegation of abuse by men or women should be considered a form of child abuse and condemned without equivocation.
While most moms have enough love and concern for the welfare of their children to spare them the horrible process of being included in a false sexual abuse allegation, an ever-increasing number of women are choosing to use this legal strategem to "level the playing field" against their husbands in divorce court. Renowned family law specialist, Jeffrey M. Leving (1997), has written: "the use of false sexual abuse allegations to win custody suits has become almost a standard tactic among disturbed mothers and unethical divorce lawyers" (pg 148).
The fear, shame and uncertainty felt by these falsely accused men cannot be put into words. No man can adequately describe his feelings, which adds to his position of isolation. He craves empathy and support, but a man accused of molesting a child will receive neither. The woman has succeeded at instilling in the man an all-consuming state of fear and defensiveness.
After making a false child sexual abuse allegation against dad, mom can sit back and watch the chaos ensue. She has been given full-custody of the children, pending an investigation of dad, and need not fear accountability should the scheme fail to produce the desired goal of total custody of the children and the destruction of her ex-husband's state of stability and happiness.
One of the most devastating results of a false sex abuse allegation is that dad is stripped of the privilege of contact with his children during the investigation. When the children are unable to communicate with their father a process of alienation begins. The more time that passes without contact, the greater the alienation. During this period of alienation, a child may be coached by the mother to support the allegation against the father. Dad can do nothing but watch as his children are coerced into believing that he has sexually assaulted them. Nothing hurts more than to hear one's own child say, "How could have done this to me? I hate you and don't ever want to see or talk to you again."
After the Emergency Ex-Parte Order has been granted, an investigation of the allegation begins. As part of this ongoing investigation by both CPS and local law enforcement, the reputation of the father is constructively destroyed. Family relationships become strained. Employers tire of granting time off work to accommodate the father's frequent court hearings and interviews. Social relationships are damaged, often never to be repaired.
The very process of being investigated causes many men to give up and grant the mother everything she wants from him. Sadly, many fathers are so traumatized by the horror of the process that they commit suicide (Seidenberg, 1997). False abuse expert, Dean Tong (2002), says of the emotional state of the accused:
Sleep is forever elusive, night-terror becomes common-place and depression is a constant companion. Rarely is there any support to be found within the community and rarely is there any sympathy for the falsely-accused. Throughout it all, you must bear the title "abuser," until you prove otherwise, if you can. Disorientation, denial, shock, confusion, anxiety, and disbelief are constant. Lack of concentration is a chronic problem, exceeded only by the frustration of being denied the right to see your children. (pg 25)
Immediately, the father finds himself in a maze of confusing litigation. He spends thousands of dollars to retain an attorney. Police often request the father to take lie detector tests. Even though he submits to and often passes several polygraph tests, it does him little good as the tests are not admissible in court. A single attorney is rarely sufficient to provide an appropriate defense in this type of case. Thousands of dollars must be spent to retain psychologists and other expert witnesses in the fields of sexual abuse.
In an attempt to prove their innocence, many fathers submit to invasive and humiliating psycho-sexual testing, such as the penile plethysmograph. The cost of testing, attorneys, expert witnesses and other legal fees in this type of case often exceeds $50,000. The father sometimes has to mortgage his home and sell his assets to afford a sufficient defense. Naturally, little money is leftover at the end to use in a custody case. In the end, the vindictive wife usually succeeds in destroying her ex-husband's financial security and savings.
When a father has been falsely accused of molesting his child, even when no evidence substantiates the claim, he often loses custody of his children because the court decides to "play it safe". The father may not go to jail, but the temporary order preventing his access to his children may be made permanent. By no fault of his own, the father has lost his children, all because a mother chose to fight dirty in court. For the unfortunate father who loses his criminal case, he is locked away. Sentencing for child molesters is typically longer than sentencing for murder (Seidenberg, 1997). Men convicted of child molestation are constant targets of prison abuse by fellow inmates. Fathers, unjustly incarcerated, become bitter and less productive members of society.
The emotional scars that result from such a horrid battle may never disappear. Even when a father successfully fights off the false accusation, the effects of the ordeal may damage him for the rest of his life. It takes years to rebuild his reputation, if at all, in the eyes of his peer group. While he knows with certainty that he has committed no wrong, the planting of the seed of doubt in the hearts of his coworkers, parishioners, friends, family members and other associates can strain relationships interminably.
When a father is falsely accused of sexually molesting his own child he enters what will likely be the single most horrifying experience of his life. Society should be slow to condemn a man with no history of abuse who has been accused by his ex-wife during a custody case. You could be next.
Next Lesson - Signs That Your Ex Might Be Plotting Against You
References:
Leving, Jefferey M. (1997).Fathers’ Rights: Hard hitting and fair advice for every father involved in a custody dispute.New York, NY: Basic Books.
Seidenberg, Robert (1997). The Father’s Emergency Guide to Divorce-Custody Battle: A Tour through the Predatory World of Judges, Lawyers, Psychologists & Social Workers, in the Subculture of Divorce. Takoma Park, MD: JES Books.
Tong, Dean (2002). Elusive Innocence: Survival guide for the falsely accused. Lafayette, LA: Huntington House Publishers.
[Author's Note: The purpose of this series of articles is to address the specific issue of false child sexual abuse allegations made by women against men during custody litigation. However, any false abuse accusation made by either mom or dad that results in trauma to a child is a form of child abuse. Parental alienation tactics are used by both genders and should be equally condemned in the strongest terms possible. Future articles will address this gender-neutral issue.]
Jake Morphonios is a civil rights advocate and North Carolina State Coordinator for Fathers 4 Justice - US. The political opinions of Mr. Morphonios do not represent those of Fathers 4 Justice. Neither Mr. Morphonios nor F4J-US provide legal advice or assistance with individual cases.
Fathers seeking support or information, or other parties interested in becoming involved in the children's rights movement may contact Mr. Morphonios at: jake.morphonios@nc.f4j.us
If you liked this article, you may also want to read:
The views expressed in this
article are those of Jake Morphonios only and do not represent
the views of Nolan Chart, LLC or its affiliates. Jake Morphonios is
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employee or otherwise affiliated with Nolan Chart, LLC in his/her role as a columnist.
If your goal here, was to raise awreness about the situation, then you have succeeded in doing so. At 20 years of age, and not having experienced the wonder of having a child, I would have never known (though should have guessed), that problems like this existed. I can't wait to read the next bit of info.
Jake, what do you think about the state of Texas' DFPS and the local sheriff storming a community with snipers and an APC, holding 400+ kids hostage for weeks incommunicado (with the ability hold them up to 18 months), and involuntarilly genetically sampling these children after a certain "Rozita Swinton" apparently phoned in bogus claims to San Angelo DFPS? By the way, legal age of marriage (with parental consent) in Texas was 14 up through 2005, 16 thereafter. Does the state really think that all these children, if placed up for adoption, will be safer(!) in foster homes? Pure misery for those poor kids regardless of what happens. I'm sure all the lawyers will be feasting on the carcass of YFZ for years to come; with sovereign immunity, I suppose no one will be suing DFPS for completely distorting the concept of "probable cause".
"The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized."
I guess the framers left "children" out of that litany, and expected us to know what "unreasonable" means...
[As a matter of full disclosure I don't condone gaming age of consent laws, entertaining adulterous relations, or practicing 'polygamy' (dedicated bachelor). So far all my married neighbors have graciously abstained from calling a SWAT team to rid themselves of my potential for nuisance.]
Posted By: Carmen Rodriguez
Date: 2008-06-03 08:39:07
Having experienced the nightmare of my innocent 7 year old daughter being abused sexually by her biological father, I have a hard time empathizing with some of the "outraged" parents on this blog. I know I'm probably biased, but I fail to see why the courts should not be permitted to do everything in their power to ensure that the child will be free from being forced to have a relationship with their victimizer. I had a good relationship with my ex-husband for the first two years of our divorce. I am not an embittered ex-wife out for vengeance. When I started to suspect that my daughter was being abused, it took me months to actually admit to myself that it was a possibility. This has been a horrible experience for our entire family and I can't sleep at night, worrying about my daughter's emotional well-being. There is no reason a father (or mother) should not do everything in their power to ensure their child's safety. That includes a parent "accusing" another parent of abuse and also includes the presumably innocent parent jumping through the legal hoops, to show his or her dedication to have a healthy parent-child relationship. Shame on parents who use the crime of child molestation to punish their exes, but shame on those of us who ignore or so easily dismiss the accused parent, just because he or she so vehemently denies their own guilt. We need to put our money into protecting our children, however inconvenient it may be to us.
BTW - Kim, I wonder why you are spending soooo much time ranting and continously rambling on this website, rather than doing everything in your power to show that you are a healthy and suitable parent. If your daughter has not been your victim, the court system will be able to set visititation for you and gradually you can rebuild your healthy father-daughter relationship. If you have been a loving and responsible father, she will eventually seek you out. Daughters never forget their loving, dependable, supportive daddies ... if you truly are a good father, you should rest assured that you will have a place in her heart. But if you are truly a deadbeat dad and manipulative pedophile, I pray that you will have the decency to let her grow up without the emotional damage that you have surely already perpetuated.
When youv'e been judged for something you haven't done, and are forced to jump through the legal hops that our wonderful system has designed to collect your money. When youv'e exposed your self to the very humiliating process of being psychlogically tested by a court ordered evaluator, only to be told, that they are not comfortable with the results, so now after you haven't seen your kid in over 6 months ,they give you a visit with some other pre judging Psychlogist observing, who is also not comfortable with the way your child doesn't want to interact with you. (BIG surprise she hasn't seen me in over 6 months) When you have to work TWO jobs to be able to support your household and pay child support for a kid who doesn't want to see you. Not to mention having to pay all the lawyers and Doctors fee's. Well Carmen when you've been through this -then you can F-in judge us !
What happened to this country?? Inocence until proven guilty ?? It doesn't exist !! Not in child protection cases.
I'm sorry if your x really hurt your daughter . But just as you state that you are having a hard time empathizing with the falsly acused. I am having a hard time empathizing with you.
Carmen this guy is such a jerk - RIGHT? One question I have for you-- Are you collecting Child support from him ? aaHA I thought so ! Hipocracy at it's best .
Posted By: Carmen Rodriguez
Date: 2008-07-03 13:06:01
Frank, I'm sorry. You're right. My opinions are coming from my own perspective and this website is meant for dads who are falsely accused. I can't imaginge someone doing that (falsely accusing) to their ex-spouse and putting their children through something so horrible just for vengenace. Who wouldn't want their kids to have a relationship with their other parent, unless there is good reason? Kids need two good parents! I am not accusing my ex-husband falsely. This is real and a little girl is the one suffering. My ex-husband is actually not a bad person in general - we were on friendly terms. I don't know why he did what I'm sure he did, but he did it, probably just got caught up in his own thoughts? I don't know what goes through a molester's mind. I know deep inside, he loves my daughter and wasn't trying to "hurt" her. I really think he is sick and needs help, just like my little girl needs help. I wish this was a perfect world and that we could weed out the lies from the truth, but until we come up with a better way, we're stuck with this system, like it or not.
And no, for the past several months I have not been receiving child support and that is ok with me. My ex needs to have some intensive therapy and maybe someday he can again be a part of his little girl's life, just not now, not today.
Best wishes to all of the broken families out there and let's try to think of what's truly best for our kids, everyone.
Thanks for putting out this issue... so sad the pain that is caused by divorce and vindictiveness. I'm going through much the same situation that many of your readers have described. If only we had a support group where we could share ideas and resources. Anyone??
After returning from a one-year stint in the military, having been discharged for Bipolar Disorder, my ex used my mental illness against me in an attempt to prevent me from seeing our child. I fought in court and was awarded limited visitation.
After fighting the following couple years for better visitation and eventually getting it, she writes the judge a bogus request that all my rights be stripped away indefinitely - her reaction to me pulling for more rights.
Not long after being reward longer visiting hours, I was delivered a protective order which held allegations from my ex that I had "touched" our son. The following few months were as close to Hell as I ever would care to experience. I chose to only tell people closest to me the situation. I felt disoriented, suicidal, even quite homicidal.
Long story short the case was dropped, I've fought and have acquired standardized visitation since, and am currently fighting for full-custody. I have no empathy or mercy for mothers like my ex. She's the kind of person who, I've witnessed, calls a man a "chomo" child molester for simply being a white, kind-looking man. Yeah, a racial prejudice exists in these cases, and it's unjustified.
As for the sex prejudice, there may be more male pedifiles, but never should that justify the propagandist, lynch mob atmosphere the media's created where a bogus accusation of molestation is enough to ruin a man's life.
It's social injustice, and our male voices seem dissident in this age of feminism and Political Correctness. Thank you for this article.
I sit here reading the comments & feeling the pain of the unjustly accused fathers. Our family can identify as we were also wrongfully accused but we are the mother's family. The charges were created by a proven unstable/criminal minded paternal grandmother who put the "thoughts" into her bipolar son. She drove him to Children's Hosp. & presented personal pictures SHE took of the child showing severe diaper rash. After examination, the hospital physicians stated & documented there was no evidence to support her allegations. She proceeded to the county court house where she again presented her pictures of severe diaper rash which were accepted as sexual abuse granting an emergency protection order by a female judge. At no time did the judge, the atty's, the magistrates, request or accept copies of the hospital accusations & their findings. We paid $12.70 for a copy clearly stating the hospital findings - false. We paid an attorney money to represent us. I believe an atty. is paid to do the work for his client. Well, not in this case. After 18 mo., I still don't know what he did that warranted the large sum of money he was paid. We have volumes of documentation showing clearly these charges were fabricated after the biological father was notified of a child support hearing. Our atty. told us no judge would take the time to look at our paperwork. We have proof showing every accusation to be false. Our family was accused of sexual abuse, harassment, stalking, etc. etc, etc. As every accusation was proven false, the father & his mother were permitted to fabricate another. At no time were they reprimanded for their scam. We have searched the internet & have found reasons for our concerns of child endangerment. My grand daughter has been to children's serv. (4) diff. times demanding they listen & investigate. (They are short-handed & all cases sound alike) During unannounced visits, our 4 yr old talks & tells about the lady who sleeps in her room at Daddy's with "Uncle" Chris. This is the same woman who has warrants against her in (2) counties. It isn't stalking to obtain police reports. These are public record as are the online information. This also isn't 2nd hand knowledge. I do all drop offs & pickups & am full-time sitter while her mother works. We are waiting for the psychology dept. at Ch. Hosp. to notify us of their appt. They have it on rush - it has been 2 months since contacted & initial paperwork was completed. She has spoken to her physician & associates. She has spoken to children's serv. case workers who were shocked with their conversation with a 4 yr. old who conveyed her description of Daddy & his now pregnant wife (already have a 1-1/2 yr old). She tells case worker how they yell & push each other real hard & she will call 911 (which she learned in headstart). She tells the case worker how windows were broken & step mother was bleeding & had to go to hospital. (all documented by police reports) Our family works & supports our children. We do not have extensive criminal records in (3) diff. counties & are curreently out on bond or running from the law. Am I angry? Yes, I am angry we have been exploited by the system. We were directed to a reputable atty. who took our money to represent us in a court room. Other than that, he did nothing. We did all the work and research. They were permitted to make accusation after accusations. We proved every one false supported with evidence. We are all from law abiding children oriented families & this has taken a serious tole on our lives. Like father's, this has happned to a mother along with her extended family. She has done everything according to the letter of the law. She works & gives all her attention & time to her precious little girl. After all our funds were exhausted & credit cards tapped to the max, she was forced to agree to shared parenting. She has the little one weekly. He has her 3 wkends out of mo. She has sole right to claim her on taxes. He pays NO child support. When he gets angry (which is often) he states mother will not get ANY of his weekends during the mo. She is to be able to talk to child when she is visiting her father. Stepmother refuses to answer phone. Stepmother has been spanking. Grandmother, who was removed from picture by father, was reintroduce the last wkend of Feb. & child started wetting her panties uncontrollably. She states they are making her see the monster (she says monster is paternal grandmother). My point, Is any one really concerned about the safety of the child? Nov. 2006 when these false accusations were made, it was supposedly about sexual abuse & the safety of the child. It has NEVER been about the safety of the child! She had a severe diaper rash which was caused by proven allergies. She has also been diagnosed with exzema. The grandmother who created this charade has (9) convictions of identity fraud, 3 forgery & engaging in corrupt activity. Do you really think she is credible? Sorry for this extensive "comment". This is not about the safety of the child. This entire episode is about money. Job & Family notified him of the hrg. He lied (lies have been proven too & nothing has been done) stating he had to work. One call to his employer discovered he was not working & had been fired. The day the ct. determination was signed, he gave another employer, when in fact, he had again been fired. Lists of numerous employers were presented & nothing was done by the ct. The charges were fabricated due to the fact, his mother knew her son would always be in contempt of ct. because he could not provide the support he was going to be ordered to pay. She was quite familiar with child custody & these type of accusations as she had previous experience throughout atleast (4) prior marriages ~ 3 children ~ with 3 diff. fathers. It gets better (or worse) but that is another story. We are being forced to allow visitation in an environment of on-going domestic violence. The child told the case worker the only time she feels safe at Daddy's is when she is asleep) step mother told me 3 wks prior to this comment, the only thing the child does when she is there is lay on her bed & sleep). I know this is too much to absorb. I know there is something we should be able to do. No one should be aloud to make false charges against anyone & be permitted to get away with it when they are proven to be attempting to sway the system. I do appreciate your stating these false accusations ARE in fact CHILD ABUSE. Makes me feel a little better. I want to know what recourse we have, if any. Is there anyone we can contact who will fight FOR us against the injustice that has been & is being done to our family & this little girl. Myself, I hate being accused of being low-life. This is NOT our family lifestyle & never has been. It is not the way we were raised. If there is a means to attempt to regain spent money, even if it is only to be added to their list of creditors, I sure would like suggestions. In the mean time, I sympathize for fathers & mothers who's rights are being violated by liars. Most of all, I will fight for the safety of ALL defenseless children!
I know from experience how vindictive a female can be, even a family member. My dad is standing up against accusations of molestation and rape by my own sister, his daughter. How could somebody be so cruel and munipulative? I would like to know the same thing. But I have yet to speak to her since this all arose. I have no doubt whatsoever about my dads innocense. We, my family know he is not capable of such things. But knowing and proving are two different things. In todays society, all it takes is an accusation. You must have done it, otherwise why would a girl/woman say such a thing? So then the man is left to prove his innocense, save his life and keep his sanity in the meanwhile. No matter how innocent you may be, there are always those out there that will jump on the train and believe the accusations the girl is throwing left and right. And what victim goes around telling her story to anyone that will stop and listen. In a true rape/molestation, most females do not want to talk about it, unless they have to. It is demeaning and shameful to relive. But the female in our case has spread it to the world and back. Has even ran into old friends in the mall and proceeded to tell her little epic. This female (aka: my sister) is a very sick individual, that hopefully will be broken down before this is all over with. She deserves to suffer, the way she has made my dad suffer with her lies. He's lost a number of so called friends, but his family is behind him 100%. One way or another, the system has to be changed. These vindictive girls/women have to be stopped and held accountable. For anyone's information: If you are accused of a sex crime and arrested, it will be listed if anyone (such as business) runs a background check on you. Does not matter whether it has been to court yet or not, does not matter if you have not been found guilty yet, it is still listed on your background. If you are found NOT GUILTY, you will have to fight tooth and nail to have the arrest record removed. They do not remove it willingly. My feelings are, until you are proven GUILTY, you name should not appear anywhere besides court records, lawyers, bondsmen, etc. Our local newspaper prints indictment every week, with your name and the crime your accused of. An indictment is not a guilty verdict by no means. So the newspaper shouldn't even have access to this information. Like I said, someone needs to start changing these laws to protect all the people.
Holy crap. This article hits the nail right on the head. SQUARELY ON THE HEAD. This is what I am going through right now. I truely would not believe my ex could stoop this low. She has gone too far this time. I am sick to my stomach. I have never been through anything like this before. I do not know anyone personally that has gone through this. I have no friends like this, or that have committed anything against a child.
I feel this is going to stay with me for the rest of my life. The seed is planted. What hurts probably the most is that my wife accused me. I was to stay with this person till death. Someone to share everything with. Be by each other\'s side. That she would and actually did this to me, and I quote from Lesson #3 "cannot be put into words." There is absolutely no way to describe what I feel. I am searching for the answer, I cannot find it. I will always be searching for the answer to this. Why? How could she? What could I have ever done to her to deserve this?
I am alone and heartbroken. My feelings bleed all day, everyday. I am scared I will not have feelings left. I am sick. Cannot sleep. Think over and over in my mind. Why. Why. How could she. This is compounded because this is heavy on my very soul. On my very fabric of existence. My heart might break in two. Myself dead by broken heart.
Posted By: THE CODE MASTER
Date: 2009-06-30 21:00:08
Well it's official: my brother just got falsely accused of "touching" his daughter. The courts of course, even after continual evidence of his ex-wife filing false charges against him, will do nothing except to continue to allow this freak show to progress. What's worse is that he has no money for a lawyer, no real way to defend himself. The last time she filed charges against him, was when she decided to accuse him and several friends of stalking her and violating a protection order. (The protection order was granted after she accused him of beating his little girl. That case was thrown out for lack of substantiating evidence.) It took him getting a copy of the security tape from his local Wal-Mart and a copy of the transaction showing that he was more than 70 miles away during the alleged incident. The court, after seeing the evidence, informed my brother to continue to NOT violate the order or he will be back in court.
Anyway, enough is enough. When are we going to pass some laws protecting fathers in these cases? Why is it that fathers, on accusations, are assumed guilty and have to fight for YEARS to prove their innocence? Why do some fathers have to plead guilty just to make it all go away? Why are vendictive women allowed to continue to use and abuse the system to play some sick game? Just like there should be laws protecting doctors from frivilous lawsuits, there should be laws protecting fathers from such known false accusations.
Ladies, here's a friggin clue: THE CHILDREN ARE THE ONES WHO GET HURT THE MOST. Take some pills, see a psychiatrist, get some real help. Falsely accusing your ex-husbands/ex-boyfriends will get you nowhere and one day you will have to answer for such hate. I had to deal withthe same thing. While my ex-wife was admittidley feeding my son wine to teach him to be a good social driner at age 5, I had to prove that I wasn't mentally insane, that I did not hallucinate and that I did not abuse my son. I also had to prove that I was NOT spanking my son at age two weeks.
You are telling my story- exactly! What I thought was an ill-conceived perception and misunderstanding turned out to be hell! I have been accused of the most hideous crime on earth by my ex. I believed that her perceptions were a result of her own abuse as child. I believed that, with help, she could see her way through and all would be well. I see now that she is lying to cover those perceptions. This makes the whole thing wilful and malicious. She knows what she is doing!
It puts an entirely different light on the situation when I see the intent, manipulation and poisoning of my beautiful daughter. I did not believe that a person could be so hateful. I am witnessing the destruction of my daughter. It is very difficult, to say the least to "do the right thing" and follow step by step through the system. For many months now I have talked on the phone, written affadavits, gone to assesmnets, cried, had sleepless nights, worried and screamed in frustration over this. Not to mention the massive amounts of money on lawyers I have spent- only to be pretty much where I started!
As long as I am breathing I will fight for my daughter. It will be over my dead body that she will be raised to belive that I have abused her.
It is my position that child abusers of any kind should be punished to the maximum.
If a person was abused as child, their peception may be tainted, they can make mis-judgements and they can falsly accuse. I understand this. But OWN UP TO IT!
It is child abuse for a person to make such a false claim, stick to it beyond all evidence to the contrary, and manipulate a child to believe such a thing.
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