* The Liberty Tree *
columnist: Jake Morphonios

Topic: Satire
Billions of Bumbling Bovine

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Are Americans just a bunch of ignorant hamburgers on hooves? John McCain thinks you are - and so do the Beach Boys.

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by Jake Morphonios
(Libertarian)
Friday, February 15, 2008

Most people are like cattle. They spend their days grazing upon lush green grass, blissfully ignorant of what is really going on around them. The bull does not question the rancher that provides it with bails of hay in the winter. Neither does the cow wonder why the farmer gives it a salt lick in the summer. The bull simply fattens itself on its cud and the cow gorges itself with water after enjoying the salt lick. Both meander through the fields day after day without a care in the world. All the while the farmer and the rancher stand on the other side of the fence planning the slaughter of the mindless beasts.

Now don't misunderstand me. I am not suggesting that anyone is fattening you up for the kill. The point I am trying to make is that most people are happily unaware of what their own government is doing. They are like cattle because they are content to follow the herd without making any decisions on their own. They don't have a clue as to what is really going on around them and certainly don't put up a fuss when the political cattle ranchers begin preparations that will lead to their demise.

Have you made up your mind as to whether or not you support a war against Iran? Well at this point, it doesn't really matter. The United States has been preparing for war with Iran for several years already. Yes - I mean a real war with fighter planes and missiles, ground troops and gun battles. Over a hundred-thousand US troops surround Iran already. Many of our fellow cattle think the troops are still in Iraq because they are needed to rebuild Iraqi wetlands, museums, schools and to protect the citizens from themselves. Heh. Yeah, keep chewing your cud, my brother. But I'll tell you one thing; those of us on this side of the pasture can see that the ranchers are in the distance, opening up the doors to the slaughterhouse and sharpening their blades.

Does this come as a surprise? "B-b-b-but CNN didn't report this!" you bellow from under your cool shade tree. You obese bovine! The rancher has succeeded in fattening you into a Big Mac on hooves and you have gone along so unquestioningly that he never even needed to use his cattle prod or inject you with steroids.

Alas, with as many oracles as are employed in the elite news media, some grand revelations are nevertheless witheld from the public for "national security reasons". Just because CNN doesn't report it, doesn't mean that it isn't happening.

Chief among the ranchers preparing us for the slaughter is a good old fellow from the other side of town named John McCain. That boy just can't wait to "git" into Iran. Woo-hoo! I can't imagine that too many other cows will agree with me on this, because it is not what the ranchers have led them to believe. I wonder what their response to my message will be.

I look out over the herds of people that I am speaking to - waiting for some kind of reaction to my words. Then, from somewhere within the multitude, I hear a sound begin to echo through the valley.

"M-o-o-o-o-o!"

"Make it a hundred...That would be fine with me." McCain's response when asked asked if he supported Bush's plan to keep US troops in Iraq for another 50 years.

"There are neighborhoods in Baghdad where you and I could walk through today." After making this statement McCain visited Baghdad, flanked by 22 US troops, 10 armored vehicles and two Apache attack helicopters.

"I hate the gooks. I will hate them for as long as I live."

"You know that old Beach Boys song, Bomb Iran? Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran." 

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I'd like to take this opportunity to thank the Republican party for abandoning its roots and thrusting a neo-liberal into front runner status for our party's Presidential nomination. I was really hoping that we'd elect someone to the Presidency who would be most likely to invade several more countries, start World War III and draft my children into military service.

Recommended Reading:

The Federal Scheme to Destroy Father-Child Relationships

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2008 Jake Morphonios, all rights reserved.
Published: Friday, February 15, 2008
Last modified: Friday, February 15, 2008

The views expressed in this article are those of Jake Morphonios only and do not represent the views of Nolan Chart, LLC or its affiliates. Jake Morphonios is solely responsible for the contents of this article and is not an employee or otherwise affiliated with Nolan Chart, LLC in his/her role as a columnist.

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