Topic: Satire
The Reality Mythos 1st ed AD&D stats for current political figures: Dubya, Cheney, Osama bin Laden, Hugo Chavez, Limbaugh, Coulter, Malkin, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Ron Paul, Noam Chomsky, Pat Robertson, and Jello Biafra.by Dan Clore
(Libertarian)
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
The Reality Mythos
Using 1st edition AD&D. Readers of evil alignment and low intelligence please note: This is intended as satire, and I have allowed myself a small degree of exaggeration for satirical purposes. Not everything here is intended as a strictly realistic portrayal of these individuals.
I welcome any comments or suggestions.
George W. Bush Race: Human Class: 0 level man-at-arms Hit Points: 4 Strength: 10 Intelligence: 5 Wisdom: 6 Dexterity: 8 Constitution: 11 Charisma: -2 (19 to Republicans, trolls (all kinds!), orcs, half-orcs, goblins, hobgoblins, etc.) Alignment: Lawful Evil
While some of this individual's ability scores may seem rather low* (and in addition there is some controversy over whether he actually completed enough training to qualify as a man-at-arms), he has managed to compensate for this by surrounding himself with high-ability henchmen, hirelings, and other allies.
*He is rumored to have at one time possessed near-average or even average level intelligence, but long years of alcoholism, drug abuse, and devotedly refraining from exercising what intelligence nature had endowed him with have taken a grievous toll.
The ruler of an empire, this character suffers from a major form of insanity similar to kleptomania, but focused on the wholesale theft of the wealth of foreign countries.
Formerly the Guildmaster of a large Thieves' Guild disguised as a commercial enterprise, Cheney has turned his attention entirely to his work as Bush's head henchman.
This individual is rumored to derive his power from a rare grimoire, the NecroNeoCon.
Cheney has secondary skill in hunting, but there is a 1 in 100 chance per round (cumulative) that he will suddenly attack any hunting companion within missile range.
A Hassan i Sabbah-type figure (cf. Robert E. Howard's Three-Bladed Doom) based in an obscure mountain cavern complex, this highly devout religious figure suffers from monomania focused on an obsession with a "holy war" against the empire ruled by Bush and his allies.
Hugo Chvez Race: Human Class: 9th level Paladin Hit Points: 55 Strength: 12 Intelligence: 13 Wisdom: 15 Dexterity: 7 (impaired vision) Constitution: 14 Charisma: 18 Alignment: Lawful Good (leaning to Lawful Neutral)
This career-warrior has successfully used his high charisma and championing of the poor and downtrodden to become the ruler of a small state.
While his social programs for the "good of all" have earned him a fair amount of respect, Chaotic Good characters tend to find his authoritarianism intolerable and his "cult of personality" regrettable; Lawful Evil characters claim to consider him an outright despot (one prominent "good" cleric has repeatedly called for his assassination), but given their own totalitarian politics the sincerity of this concern seems less than likely.
Note the dual ability scores, as these are adjusted to apply when this character is in his usual state of moderate-level narcotic intoxication. Note also that due to his habituation to narcotics use and enormous size, it requires far higher dosage levels for him to reach any given level of intoxication than a normal character. A normal character imbibing Limbaugh's typical dosage of narcotics would have to make a saving throw against poison or die, and would become severely intoxicated if he survives the overdose.
Ann Coulter Race: Human (see below) Class: 12th level Illusionist Hit Points: 22 Strength: 11 Intelligence: 17 Wisdom: 9 Dexterity: 17 Constitution: 10 Charisma: -1 (23 to Republicans, trolls (all kinds!), orcs, half-orcs, goblins, hobgoblins, etc.) Alignment: Lawful Evil
The precise origins of this creature are disputed. While undoubtedly at least partly human, many scholars suspect some Night Hag or Annis blood in her genealogy.
Coulter's use of magic focuses on such spells as Hypnotism, Wall of Fog, Fog Cloud, Misdirection, Suggestion, Mass Suggestion, and the like, and the mass production of Vacuous Grimoires.
Coulter will avoid physical combat if possible, preferring to use magic to force others under her sway, but can strike with her claws for 1-4 hit points damage each.
Michelle Malkin Race: Half-Orc (see below) Class: Sage, major field of knowledge Humankind/Humanoids, special categories Law & Customs and Politics & Genealogy; minor field of knowledge History. Able to cast illusionist spells up to third level, as by a fifth level illusionist. Hit Points: 20 Strength: 14 Intelligence: 16 Wisdom: 6 Dexterity: 11 Constitution: 13 Charisma: -1 (20 to Republicans, trolls (all kinds!), orcs, half-orcs, goblins, hobgoblins, etc.) Alignment: Lawful Evil
Some disagreement exists over this character's race. Status as a sage seems extraordinary for a half-orc, but her appearance causes near universal agreement among scholars on some mix of human and orc, most likely with goblin and/or hobgoblin elements, and perhaps even an element of bugbear in her genealogy often suspected as well.
While this character possesses great knowledge and lore, as her sage status would indicate, she suffers from the form of insanity known as "pathological liar", and so little that she says can be believed, though she demonstrates the greatest conviction in her own lies.
Arnold Schwarzenegger Race: Human Class: 9th level Barbarian Hit Points: 155 Strength: 18/00 Intelligence: 8 Wisdom: 5 Dexterity: 16 Constitution: 18 Charisma: 17 Alignment: Neutral (leaning to Lawful Evil)
This individual, hailing from a small, uncivilized country, has succeeded in overcoming the obstacles inherent in his low intelligence and wisdom, not to mention his failure to fully master the common tongue, and used his high charisma to achieve a successful career in theater and politics.
Ron Paul Race: Elf Class: 7th level Cleric Hit Points: 25 Strength: 10 Intelligence: 18 Wisdom: 16 Dexterity: 14 Constitution: 12 Charisma: 15 Alignment: Chaotic Good
Despite his Chaotic Good alignment, this champion of freedom has somehow achieved a position in a Lawful Evil political group whose membership is primarily comprised of orcs, half-orcs, goblins, hobgoblins, etc.
Noam Chomsky Race: Gnome Class: Sage--major field of knowledge: Humankind, special categories: Languages, Law & Customs, History, and Politics; minor field of knowledge: Humanoids. Able to cast cleric spells up to third level, as by a fifth level cleric. Hit Points: 20 Strength: 10 Intelligence: 19 Wisdom: 19 Dexterity: 12 Constitution: 11 Charisma: 13 Alignment: Chaotic Good
Pat Robertson Race: Human Class: 9th level Cleric Hit Points: 99 Strength: 18 Intelligence: 7 Wisdom: 11 Dexterity: 9 Constitution: 18 Charisma: 16 Alignment: Lawful Evil (hypocritically professes Lawful Good)
An otherwise mediocre-at-best character who has used his high charisma to become powerful, this once wimpy cleric has made extensive use of special potions to achieve his high strength and constitution.
Jello Biafra Race: Human Class: 5th level Fighter; 6th level Thief; 12th level Bard Hit Points: 66 Strength: 15 Intelligence: 16 Wisdom: 17 Dexterity: 15 Constitution: 13 Charisma: 17 Alignment: Neutral Good (leaning to Chaotic Good)
This character uses his fighter training in highly energetic and athletic musical performances, his thief training in pranksterism and "creative crime", and as a bard relies on various other musicians to provide backing to his singing.
In lieu of full statistics for the following characters, it should suffice to indicate their race.
Bill Clinton Satyr
Monica Lewinsky Succubus
Hillary Clinton Harpy
Al Gore Flesh Golem
Nancy Pelosi Harpy
Condoleeza Rice Night Hag
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2008 Dan Clore, all rights reserved.
Published: Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Last modified: Wednesday, February 13, 2008
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