It is no secret that approximately 50% of all marriages in the United States end in divorce. The billion dollar divorce industry profits heavily from bitter and protracted divorce and custody cases. While divorcing adults unquestionably suffer poignant stress and anxiety during the divorce process, it is important to remember that the couple's children are also subjected to emotional turmoil - even under the most amicable of divorces. The top priority of every divorcing man and woman should be the welfare and protection of their children.
Over one million children will see their parents divorce this year. Most children of divorce are hurt by the break up of their family. Divorce is hard enough on kids, but the negative impact can be exacerbated by the behaviors of the divorcing parents. How you treat your wife before, during and after divorce matters. One of the best things that you can do for your child is to do everything you can to cooperate with your former wife, setting aside pettiness and bickering. Children love both dad and mom and don't want to feel caught in the cross-fire of a family feud.
The following is a list of ten recommendations that will help to negate some of the stress that children naturally feel during the dissolution of their familiar family unit.
1. Forgive your wife. Whatever it was that she did to contribute to the divorce, remember that you once deeply loved her. You both made mistakes and neither of you is exempt from some measure of responsibility for how things have ended up. Even if your wife will not forgive your mistakes, do not withhold your forgiveness from her. It is not necessary to forget wrongs committed, but it is unhealthy for all parties for you to cling to pain and resentment. It poisons your ability to have a cooperative post-divorce parenting relationship. Forgiveness will help to heal your own heart and make you a better parent.
2. Try to maintain consistency. Make an effort to subject the children to as few changes as possible. Parents can make an effort to keep their children in the same schools and provide them with the opportunity to enjoy continued sociality with friends and family on both sides of the divorce. Maintaining consistency in the child's standard of living is also important. Both parents have a financial obligation to their children, but odds are, you are the one who has been ordered to pay child support. Regular child support payments are often critical.
3. Do not use the children as messengers between parents. Your lack of desire to communicate with your ex-wife is not sufficient justification to instruct your child to, "Tell your mom that I said..." Likewise, your former spouse should never send messages through your children to you about child support payments and other adult issues.
4. Never argue with your former wife in front of the children. The level of healthy adjustment for children of divorce is somewhat correlated with their parents' ability to communicate fairly with one another regarding issues of parenting time, child support, etc. When parents fight in front of kids, especially after divorce, the children suffer. If you have a disagreement with your ex-wife and feel the conversation becoming terse and combative, then consider shelving the discussion for a time when the children are not present. This applies to phone calls. Do not bicker with your ex-wife on the phone in front of the children.
5. Be consistent with discipline. While there will be some variations between households, strive to be consistent. Both parents should use age-appropriate techniques and have similar standards for behavior between homes. Support your wife's effort to parent the children in her home by encouraging your children to respect her house rules. When the children are with you, do not abdicate your job to apply loving guidance, structure and discipline.
6. Do not use the children to spy on mom. Who mom is dating is not really your business. Where mom goes and what she does is not your business. Don't quiz your kids about mom's life. You will look like an obsessed ex-husband and it makes your children uncomfortable. While it is important to allow children to express feelings or concerns to you, let them initiate the conversation. Do not solicit information about mom's house unless you have a legitimate reason to suspect serious wrong doing.
7. Do not criticize your children's mother or put her down in front of them. Your children love their mom. It hurts them when you bad mouth her, even if they play along with you in your presence. If you are going to fulfill your responsibility to care for your children, you must help engender your children's respect for their mother.
8. Do not try to get your children to ally with you against mom. Most divorced couples have some disagreements beyond the divorce. These disagreements can devolve into battles that both sides are determined to win. Trying to get your child to take sides with you against your former wife is foul. Do not do it. Let the children enjoy freedom from parental alliances. They love both of you.
9. Do not use your child as your therapist. This means that you do not share your fears, concerns and anxieties with them. How badly you feel about your ex-wife's treatment of you is not something with which your children should be burdened. Don't turn to your children for your emotional support. Find friends, family or professionals when you need to talk about your struggles. Children are not able to handle these kinds of adult burdens.
10. Visit your child frequently and consistently. Your child loves and needs you. Do not cancel appointments with them frequently or allow long periods of time to lapse between phone calls or time together. You are needed in every area of their lives. They need your involvement in their education, hobbies and interests, and life in general. Regardless of what "visitation" schedule has been handed to you, do your best to make the most of it. Send letters or cards to your child to convey your pride and interest in them.
No amount of worldly success or accolades can compensate for the failure to do the best job you can as a dad. Help your children to feel your love for them. Fatherhood is the most noble of all endeavors. Do your best. Your children are counting on you.
Author's Note: The principles articulated in this essay apply equally to women and mothers, however the material is addressed specifically to men. It is a fact that fathers are typically reduced to "visitor" status in family courts. False allegations and crushing child support orders may also add to the humiliation felt by these fathers. It is the opinion of the author that the application of these principles by men, even in the most difficult and bitter of divorce and custody cases, will help to reduce stress, anxiety and will benefit all parties involved - even if the other party is antagonistic and refuses to abide by any of the same principles of appropriate parenting. The welfare of children is paramount.
Jake Morphonios is a civil rights advocate and North Carolina State Coordinator for Fathers 4 Justice - US. The political opinions of Mr. Morphonios do not represent those of Fathers 4 Justice. Neither Mr. Morphonios nor F4J-US provide legal advice or assistance with individual cases.
If you liked this article, you may also want to read:
False Child Sex Abuse Allegations - Lesson 1
The Federal Scheme to Destroy Father-Child Relationships
The Nuclear Option: False Child Sexual Abuse Allegations in Custody Disputes
©2008 Jake Morphonios, all rights reserved. You must have written permission from the author in order to republish this work.
Published: Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Last modified: Friday, November 7, 2008
The views expressed in this article are those of Jake Morphonios only and do not represent the views of Nolan Chart, LLC or its affiliates. Jake Morphonios is solely responsible for the contents of this article and is not an employee or otherwise affiliated with Nolan Chart, LLC in his/her role as a columnist.
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Reader Comments:
Posted By: Jorge Gomez
Date: 2008-11-08 15:56:51
Very good article. I also also recommend these two articles for divorcing parents:
Choosing the Battles:
http://www.parentssupportnetwork.com/p2p/?p=7
Dealign with your ex new partner